Hop On Back Of The Bobby Petrino Apology Tour, Which Begins Today [Ozark Chappaquiddick]

It's been just under four months since Arkansas fired Bobby Petrino for hiring his young girlfriend to an athletics department position, paying her extra under the table, and lying about it. Four months is barely enough time to break in a new hairstyle, but, naturally, Petrino has found the time to search his soul, change, and tell ESPN's Joe Schad about it.

Today, ESPN.com posted Schad's sit-down on-camera interview with Petrino and a lengthy piece detailing the coach's contrition. The interview and the piece combine to form a sap-dribbling bullshit colossus, one constructed for the sole purpose of getting Bobby Petrino another job. Preferably one that allows him to recoup the "$21 million in potential earnings" that Schad says Petrino lost.

We've encountered Schad's shtick before. Last we met, he was bro-hugging Auburn's PR guy over email ("I have been tweeting about Cam/Heisman and about how Auburn is the best environment in college football right now!"). He's a stooge of the highest order.

The interview clip consists of Joe Schad holding Petrino's hand as the two of them enjoy a nice picnic in the park together. Schad lays his head in Petrino's lap while questions like, "What do you think has been your biggest weakness as a person?" flutter upward from his mouth. Petrino tries his hardest to look serious before running his hands through Schad's hair and eventually saying:

I've made mistakes, I'm going to be a better person because of it...I really feel like I'll be a better coach because this happened, because I'm now gonna know that I'm gonna coach the person as much as the player, and help the person, when he has made mistakes...

They sip champagne, and one pops a strawberry into the other's mouth.

Schad goes on to do even more propping up in his piece, which ends with these paragraphs:

Petrino has a proven record as a head coach, playcaller, quarterback developer and offensive mastermind. He has won 74 percent of his games as a college head coach, a better showing than Nick Saban, Les Miles, Steve Spurrier and Mack Brown.

Petrino's offense was among the top three in the SEC in each of the past three years. And his offense at Louisville was among the top 10 in the nation for four consecutive years. And yet he said he understands that there are no guarantees he'll ever get to run another program.

Does he need to coach again? "I think I do," he said.

Does he think he'll ever coach in a high-profile situation again? "I don't know that right now," he said.

Since being dismissed by Arkansas, schools such as Cal and NFL teams such as the Tennessee Titans have asked him to visit with their coaching staffs. He has done so and might continue.

Petrino won't coach this season but he said he hopes someone gives him at least one more chance.

"I would like to be able to explain the mistakes that I made," he said. "I think I've got to take this one day at a time, continue to improve as a person and as a husband. I'm also going to continue to work on football. And I just hope and pray that I get that opportunity again."

Thank god Joe Schad is here to allow Bobby Petrino to tell us that he will be a better football coach for lying about his affair with a 25-year-old team employee, and to remind us what a good football coach Petrino was in the first place. We're all really jacked about this information, Joe.

Bobby Petrino emotional, regretful [ESPN]

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BMX Is Underway At The London Olympics, Which Means We've Had Our First Bloody Gnarly Crash [Video]

Aug 8, 2012 12:20 PM  

The tough times for America's Olympic BMX team started before the Games were even underway: star Arielle Martin had to drop out after a devastating crash on the team's last day of training before leaving for London. Martin's replacement, Brooke Crain, didn't fare much better during today's seeding run at the BMX course north of London's Olympic Park.

Crain crashed and burned in the last straight of her run, taking more than a minute to get up though she did manage to finish the course. The AP reports it's unclear if Crain will be able to recover in time for Thursday's semifinal. Crain's already dealing with the effects of a broken arm suffered at the World Championships.

Watch the whole BMX seeding competition here.

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Phillies' Sellout Streak, Which Was Fake Anyway, Ends At 257 Games [Philadelphia Phillies]

Last night, an announced crowd of 41,665 showed up to Citizen Bank Park to watch the listless Phillies put up a token effort against Atlanta, a 6-1 loss that put them 14 games out of a wild card spot. It was the smallest crowd of the year, and the first time since July 2009 the Phillies failed to sell out the ballpark.

Look, it happens. You win a World Series, you have a fabulous new ballpark, you become the second-biggest spending team in baseball, you loot the farm system to load up on big-name vets, and you're going to fill the stadium. And the Phillies, who have won the division five straight years, became the biggest ticket in town. But Baltimore and Cleveland will tell you that nothing lasts forever—it's a lost season in South Philadelphia, and all the Schmitters in the world aren't going to keep the turnstiles turning.

The news spurred Nationals broadcaster F.P. Santangelo, all too used to seeing Nationals Park become CBP South, to take a shot at the Phils:

"Their sellout streak ended tonight, apparently."

...

"They're going to have to take back their own ballpark."

Yes, yes, let's all laugh. But celebrating last night as the end of the line merely gives legitimacy to a streak that never was. The Phillies (along with the Red Sox) have been masters of massaging the numbers to technically qualify for an announced sellout, even on nights where hundreds to thousands of tickets remained unsold. How'd they do it?

• The Phillies, as part of MLB's partnership with StubHub, are allowed to count tickets purchased by scalpers and resellers, even if those tickets end up in the trash. Upwards of a quarter of tickets are sold on the secondary market. This is the main reason why season tickets are often priced well below market value: they're snapped up by optimistic resellers, who then assume all the risk, while the Phillies take credit for the sale.

• The Phillies are allowed to count tickets donated to charity or otherwise given away for free as tickets sold, even if they're never used. (For a baseline, the Red Sox give away nearly 1,000 tickets per game.) This doesn't even count the numerous buy-one-get-one-free ticket offers Philly has run this season.

• Citizens Bank Park has room for more than 1,000 standing room tickets, which don't count towards the stadium's official capacity. Even if there are hundreds of unsold seats, they'll still include those standing room fans in the official count.

Who decides if a game officially counts as a sellout? The Phillies' own ticket office. So this was one bogus streak that came to an end only because there were so many empty seats last night, it would have been a joke to pretend otherwise.

But don't cry for the Phillies. They're still leading baseball in attendance, and last night's gate of 41,665 would still be good for the third-best average in MLB.

Photo of May 8 game by @Coll83

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